Our Story- the basics

In January, 2009, I began a Bible study led by an amazing gifted teacher, Amanda Walls.  The study surrounded embracing "Brokenness" in your life as a way for God to use you.  Little did I know my life journey was about to begin getting REALLY "broken".

In February of that year, Mike discovered he and his entire department at DHL would be laid off, their jobs outsourced to India.  Thankfully, he was allowed five months notice.  We began cutting back spending habits and trying to prepare our storehouse for a time of drought.  In reality, I truly thought he MIGHT be out of work for a couple of months.... MAX. (Insert laughter here.)

Though we knew Mike would be without a job, we decided to go ahead and begin trying to conceive our second child.  This was May 2009.

If you've never had to TRY to conceive a child, the exhausting and exasperated emotions surrounding trying to conceive will be lost on you.  You are probably one of the ones who thinks, "Cool! Lucky Mike! He gets to "practice" even longer!"  However, if you've ever gone even one single month seeing a negative pregnancy test result when your heart desires a child, you KNOW this is not true.  Each passing month, the fear and anxiety level rises.  I became totally invested in trying to get pregnant.  I trusted God would could allow us another child, and I was certainly going to do everything I could.  While this is fine, I let my world revolve around this.  I'll blog more on this later.

After using ovulation monitors and predictor kits for more than seven months, I finally set up an appointment to see my doctor.  THIS, was VERY hard for me.  It was admitting I needed help.  The following Sunday after I made this appointment was one of the most emotional Sunday worships I'd had.  Funk Family- you were sitting behind us.  So sorry you had to watch me sob through worship!  At the time, I truly felt like I was surrendering to God, allowing Him to take control. 

The doctor wouldn't help us.  She wanted us to wait an entire year before she'd even allow us to start clomid.  I left the office in tears. 

I was scheduled to begin taking clomid the third day of my May cycle.  I knew I would either have CD1 in very late April or early May.  At that time, my prayer was simply that I'd wait until May to start a cycle so she would call in my RX.

May 2, 2010, after having four days of negative pregnancy tests... I discovered WE WERE PREGNANT!!   The joy I should have felt was instead an emotion of relief.  The journey was finally over.  I was nervous to tell anyone our news, as my heart was filled with anxiety.  It took us SO long to conceive this baby- an entire year- I just didn't want to be filled with joy until I knew everything was okay.  I had internal conversations with myself all the time... "You have no reason to fear a miscarriage.  You have no history of that.  Why would you worry."  ~"But you don't FEEL pregnant.  What if there's something wrong."  ~"There's nothing wrong!"  ~"But I just can't go through this again.  This baby HAS to stick."  It was relentless.  I did tell our family, but I just wasn't ready to announce this news to the world just yet.

In June, I went to my parent's house in Seguin to teach VBS at the church my Dad pastors.  On the way down, I started thinking about how far along I was.  Ten weeks.  Eleven weeks when I get home... then we have another ultrasound.  I'll see the baby's heartbeat this time, and I can start telling people.  I couldn't WAIT to share this news with our ABF class.... especially since very few of them knew we had be struggling to conceive.

Tuesday.  June 15. 2010.  Vacation Bible School is over.  I go to the bathroom.  My heart sinks.  I'm spotting.  Tears well up.  I find my mom.  I cry.  I don't want to think the worst.  It could be nothing.  It could be the end.  It could be nothing.  Find the exit.  Leave.  Go.  Now. 

Conversation in the car between Boogie and I:
"Mommy... why you crying?  Are you sad Mommy?"
"No, Boogie.  Mommy's just scared."
"Oh.....  You scared of MONSTERS?"
"No, Mommy's not scared of Monsters."
"Well, what you scared of then?"
"Mommy's scared for the Baby in her tummy."
"Oh.  January?"
"Yes."
"Your tummy hurt, Mommy?"
"Yes.  Mommy's tummy hurts."
"Oh.  You have to go see the doctor?"
"Well.... yes, Mommy might have to go see the doctor."
"Oh!  Mommy!  You get a LOLLY!!!"

I will never forget that conversation with my sweet three year old son in the car that day.  In my heart, I was so scared.  But he reminded me, God tells us- Don't be afraid of ANYTHING.

It was an afternoon of fear and rationalizing.  I didn't want to go to the ER and feel stupid... but what if there was something wrong.  My sister and a nurse on the phone finally convinced me I needed to go.   Just to get checked out.  Just for peace of mind.

The lady checking us in to Guadalupe Valley Hospital was a long time friend of our family.  Her husband sang at my wedding.  God used her to calm my heart some.

I'm going to skip through all of the emotional details here and save the hospital experience for another entry...  long story short.... there was no baby.  Yes, I had been pregnant.  The baby died at some point after six weeks and my body reabsorbed the fetus itself, but my placenta and hormone levels kept growing.  My body thought I was ten and a half weeks pregnant... though my womb was empty where the baby should be.

Emotion. Sobbing.  Confusion.  Phone rings.  "I will walk by faith.  Even when I can not see.  Because this broken road prepares your will for me."  Appropriate ring tone.  God's subtle reminders.  He's here.  He's holding my hand.  He will walk me through this.  Empty.  I feel empty.

The roller coaster begins.  When will this be over?  When will this miscarriage start?  "Ang, Remember... Mike is at home.  You have your family here.  He needs someone with him.  Is there someone you can call?"  That's Dad.  Thank you Lord for my earthly Father who thinks beyond himself.  Thinks beyond his hurt.  Wow.  This is a family loss.  This hurt is beyond me.  Mike... five hours away.

I immediately called Lindsey.  Sweet Lindsey.  She didn't ask questions.  She just acted.  She knew I was raw.  I was in shock.  Matt...  Matt took care of Mike.  The next day, Brett took care of Mike.  The next night, Bobby took care of Mike.  

I stayed in Seguin, almost as a refuge.  I could hide from the reality of what was happening.  I knew when I saw my sweet Godly husband, the loss would hit my heart like a dagger.... and it did.  The following Saturday, I arrived home.  The band aid was ripped off and we mourned.  The healing could begin. 

The next day, Sunday, was one of the toughest times I've ever walked into a churh building.  I knew I NEEDED to worship.  God planted the right person next to me, though, that's for sure.  Love you, Tracy.

A few days later, I miscarried naturally at home.  I was eleven weeks and four days.  The following Sunday was Father's Day.
Now... to present day.  I'm four weeks into a Bible study about the Israelites journey through the wilderness.  God didn't allow them to experience the wilderness... he PUT them in the wilderness.  I'm in the middle of my own wilderness experience.  It's much easier for me to pretend like I'm NOT.  It's easier for me to go through life being "happy Angela."  But I've really struggled.  I had to put myself in the shoes of those around me.  If one of the couples in my ABF class was going through this... I would want to know.  I would wonder what week after week of "unspoken" prayer requests meant.  I would want to hold them and cry with them.  I've allowed a few of them to do that... but I'm realizing that in order to heal, I need to share.  I don't need pity.  I don't need words of advice.  I don't need anyone to tell me to "trust God's will."  If I were a person sitting in my Dad's congregation, I would want to see that my pastor hurts, too.  I would want to pray for him.  I've made my family swear to secrecy because that was easier for ME.  Well, what's easier for me isn't always right.

So... I'm starting this blog for a few reasons.  One: for selfish healing and a place to vent.  Writing for me is cathartic. Two: to help others in the same situation.  Three: to be able to allow people in at whatever degree they want to be let in.  Four: for accountability in trusting GOD in this journey.

I'm warning you now... the entries in this blog may be graphic.  They may be emotional.  They may be angry.  I don't know.  Read at your own risk.  This blog will NOT be well written... it will be raw.  Because I am raw.

We're okay.  We're going to be okay.  We are determined to FULLY trust God in this journey through the wilderness.  We will walk by faith, not by sight.  And when we're on the other side, we will give HIM the glory! 

How can you pray for us now?  We're in the process of making our first appointments with a fertility specialist.  Pray this is the route God needs us to go.  Pray for Angela to have a clear mind and not think about this all the time.