It's funny how facebook has changed life for us. You know you've made your pregnancy "official" when you announce on facebook! I just changed my profile pic to this:
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Prayers this Week
As much as I'd like to convince myself not to think about this, I am. On Tuesday, June 15 at 10w5 days, I began spotting and later discovered I was going to miscarry. In the wee hours of the morning on Tuesday, June 22 at 11w5d, I began the miscarriage process.
This Tuesday, October 12, I will again be 10w5d. As the day approaches, I find my heart constricting quite a bit. I find my anxiety level rising. I just need added prayers my way this week. Especially Tuesday.
Please pray I will be too busy that day to allow thoughts of doubt from the evil one to invade my mind. Please pray for the continued health of this tiny baby (who this week is the size of a kumquat.) Pray for Mike as he has to deal with the emotions I'm going through. I know Tuesday-Tuesday will be a rough week for me, but I know my God is bigger. I believe HE's my healer.
This Tuesday, October 12, I will again be 10w5d. As the day approaches, I find my heart constricting quite a bit. I find my anxiety level rising. I just need added prayers my way this week. Especially Tuesday.
Please pray I will be too busy that day to allow thoughts of doubt from the evil one to invade my mind. Please pray for the continued health of this tiny baby (who this week is the size of a kumquat.) Pray for Mike as he has to deal with the emotions I'm going through. I know Tuesday-Tuesday will be a rough week for me, but I know my God is bigger. I believe HE's my healer.
Friday, October 1, 2010
If you were wondering...
Why we haven't made an update regarding our fertility journey... there's actually a good reason.
I went on clomid in late July/early August, my first full cycle after the miscarriage. I really didn't have any side effects from the drug, for which I was SOOO grateful. We got a late start on the month since my doctor was out of town, so I started taking it on CD5 instead of CD3. Nevertheless, I started getting nervous when CD14, CD15, CD16 rolled by with no ovulation. CD 17 POSITIVE for Ovulation. So when people talk about 28 day cycles and "most" women ovulating on CD 14... it's SOOO not true. Most women I know through baby making boards DON'T ovulate on CD 14. Anyhow, I digress. On CD 21 I had to go in for a progesterone check. I was afraid it was too soon, but I showed "very good" levels of progesterone. (The hormone that shows you ovulated.) While that's great, all it does is show the drug worked... not that I'd have any greater chance of getting pregnant.
If you know anything about my TTC journey, you'll know I'm a POAS-aholic. (POAS= pee on a stick). Here's a picture of my just SOME of my pregnancy tests that confirmed I was pregnant with the baby I miscarried for proof of my addiction.
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| A few of the 15 pregnancy tests I took in May of 2010 to confirm a pregnancy (later miscarried) |
Hey, the first step is admitting you have a problem, right. Well, knowing I'm a POAS-aholic, I really really wanted to wait until at least 14DPO to test, even though I know you CAN find out as early as 10DPO. Anyhow, the suspense was KILLING me, but 10DPO ticked by, 11DPO ticked by, 12 DPO... I was getting ANTSY! I bought three dollar store tests and took one in the evening of my 12DPO. If you know anything about pregnancy tests, you know this is a very dumb thing to do because there is so little HcG hormone in your urine by the evening, especially that early... you'll never get a line even if you ARE pregnant. Even knowing this, I tried to convince myself there MIGHT be a line... whatever.
The next morning at 13DPO, I decided to test again. Was it a line? If it was it was REALLY light... but they say a line is a line! Hummm... was I pregnant? I decided to buy a digital test to take at 14DPO. These digital ones are NOT early response, so I figured if at 14DPO it said "pregnant"... then I could believe it. Okay, I already admitted I have a problem, right? Do you think I could WAIT until the morning? Nooooooo... no way. So, against better judgement, I ripped open the package and again tested in the EVENING. DOH! (There goes $10!!).... or not... here is what the test said!!
So, right now, we're sitting at 9w1d weeks along. We miscarried the last pregnancy at 11w5d... but we never saw a heartbeat. We HAVE seen a heartbeat on this little gummy bear. I went in at 7w5d for an emergency appointment (long story- a scare I'll blog about later) and as soon as she started the sono, I immediately saw a heartbeat and tears just ran down my face.
I must admit... from the day we found out we were pregnant this time, my heart has felt at ease. This doesn't come without a lot of prayer not only on my part, but on the part of those around me. God has really put a sense of peace around this pregnancy. I know and BELIEVE that this child is a child of God. If He wants to take this child to eternity now... he can. This child is His to take home whenever He chooses, whethere it be before it's born, when s/he is a toddler, when s/he is a teenager or, as I pray... when s/he is old and gray and has lived a full life to glorify our Lord. Regardless, we have chosen to dedicate this child to the Lord NOW.
Naturally, it's not easy. The closer I get to ten weeks, the more I think about that day in Seguin when I discovered I was to miscarry. Mike and I really debated when to tell people this time. We truly feel that those of you who come to read our blog DESERVE to know. Why? Because you've been praying for us. Praying for us to concieve a child... now we need you to pray that this child will grow into a happy and healthy baby. We need to THANK you for your prayers. We need to ASK you for your continued prayers.
We will not be sharing this news in other public forums (either on the internet or in person) for the time being, so we ask for your respect in not mentioning this publicly just yet. Thank you for sharing in our joy and excitement! We truly do give all the praise and honor to our Savior!
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
A Quote to Ponder
One of my secondary infertility friends has this quote on her signature line... and I just love it.
When the world says "Give up," Hope whispers, "Try one more time."
When the world says "Give up," Hope whispers, "Try one more time."
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Moving Forward
So, keeping with the very timely post here on the blog this week... today at church, we sang a song we've sung many times. For some reason, though. Today it had new meaning for me. You can hear the song, Moving Forward at the link here... the lyrics are fairly simple, but so meaningful in my life at this moment. I pulled just a few of my favorites here, but, please listen to the song in full....
You're the HEALER who makes ALL things new!
I'm moving ahead. I'm here to declare to you- my past is over.
In YOU, all things are made new!....
I'm moving, moving FORWARD.
You have given me a second chance....
You make all things new... You make ALL things new...
And I will Follow You FORWARD.
For me personally, the part about God healing us and then the part of us FOLLOWING Him forward are very convicting. How can we allow God to heal our past if we don't follow Him forward? Our God is Jehova-Rophe, our healer. I will allow him to heal me and follow Him in His timing for my life.
You're the HEALER who makes ALL things new!
I'm moving ahead. I'm here to declare to you- my past is over.
In YOU, all things are made new!....
I'm moving, moving FORWARD.
You have given me a second chance....
You make all things new... You make ALL things new...
And I will Follow You FORWARD.
For me personally, the part about God healing us and then the part of us FOLLOWING Him forward are very convicting. How can we allow God to heal our past if we don't follow Him forward? Our God is Jehova-Rophe, our healer. I will allow him to heal me and follow Him in His timing for my life.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Get Over It
These are the favorite words of my Dad. Over the years this saying has evolved from "Tough titty said the kitty when the milk ran dry." to "Suck it up!" to now the more felicitous and simple saying "Get Over It."
Either way- Dad's right. God tells us to mourn for a time... and then move on. GET OVER IT.
I studied late last week about the Israelites people mourning the loss of their leader for 30 days before God told them... "Okay, Dudes. Enough is enough. Get over it." (Okay, maybe he was a bit more eloquent, but you get the point.)
How often in life do we allow a circumstance to define us? How often do we cling to the past, to an event, a hurt, a failed relationship, a habit, a hangup? We're so busy mourning the past that we're not allowing to God to bless us in the present? Do I think God wants us to forget the trials and tribulations he's allowed in our lives for the purpose of growth? Absolutely not. He does want us to remember, reflect and help others through our circumstances... but after a short time of mourning, he wants us to move on.
What are you holding onto? What do you need to GET OVER? I need to get over my fears that my past will dictate my future. No, God is in charge of that. This week, I pray that you will discover whatever it is you haven't gotten over... and just... in the words of my Daddy...
GET OVER IT!
Either way- Dad's right. God tells us to mourn for a time... and then move on. GET OVER IT.
I studied late last week about the Israelites people mourning the loss of their leader for 30 days before God told them... "Okay, Dudes. Enough is enough. Get over it." (Okay, maybe he was a bit more eloquent, but you get the point.)
How often in life do we allow a circumstance to define us? How often do we cling to the past, to an event, a hurt, a failed relationship, a habit, a hangup? We're so busy mourning the past that we're not allowing to God to bless us in the present? Do I think God wants us to forget the trials and tribulations he's allowed in our lives for the purpose of growth? Absolutely not. He does want us to remember, reflect and help others through our circumstances... but after a short time of mourning, he wants us to move on.
What are you holding onto? What do you need to GET OVER? I need to get over my fears that my past will dictate my future. No, God is in charge of that. This week, I pray that you will discover whatever it is you haven't gotten over... and just... in the words of my Daddy...
GET OVER IT!
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Wild Animals Flock to H2O in the Desert
Last week, I posted about gifts of water in the desert. I should have KNOWN that wild animals race to water! My wild animals came in the form of 54 eleven year olds! WOW, WOW, WOW! We have quite the bunch this year... and yes, many of them are wild animals.
If you've ever been to a circus, you know wild animals CAN be tamed.... but you must never underestimate that even a tame animal was once wild. (This is a word of warning to subs!)
The first day of school was... not atrocious... but close. Last year I had a class of 19 and a class of 22. This year, I have two classes of 27! The addition of five to eight warm bodies in a classroom is amazingly, CRAZY. I didn't have enough desks, I didn't have enough chairs... and I had a class with five students who won't close their mouths, two who think they can stand up the entire time, one who literally followed me around the classroom asking questions the entire class... aaaahhhh!!!
I was so excited to have found a desert oasis only to find it was INFESTED!!! Even so, I decided to set up camp by the water, after all- it was still better than the thirst I'd experienced the past four years... this first week- we had our ups and downs, but by Friday... my wild animals had already started working their ways into my heart. I must remember to be patient with my BABY animals and teach them HOW to hunt, when to rest, how to forage, how to avoid being eaten, where to go for shade, places to avoid...
Low and behold, I must teach them. I WILL teach them... and I will love them... wild or tame!
If you've ever been to a circus, you know wild animals CAN be tamed.... but you must never underestimate that even a tame animal was once wild. (This is a word of warning to subs!)
The first day of school was... not atrocious... but close. Last year I had a class of 19 and a class of 22. This year, I have two classes of 27! The addition of five to eight warm bodies in a classroom is amazingly, CRAZY. I didn't have enough desks, I didn't have enough chairs... and I had a class with five students who won't close their mouths, two who think they can stand up the entire time, one who literally followed me around the classroom asking questions the entire class... aaaahhhh!!!
I was so excited to have found a desert oasis only to find it was INFESTED!!! Even so, I decided to set up camp by the water, after all- it was still better than the thirst I'd experienced the past four years... this first week- we had our ups and downs, but by Friday... my wild animals had already started working their ways into my heart. I must remember to be patient with my BABY animals and teach them HOW to hunt, when to rest, how to forage, how to avoid being eaten, where to go for shade, places to avoid...
Low and behold, I must teach them. I WILL teach them... and I will love them... wild or tame!
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Gifts of H20 in the desert
One of the aspects of our time in the wilderness I haven't touched on has to do with just me. Four years ago, I was perfectly happy and content teaching at a local middle school. I loved it there and did NOT want to move schools and I surely did NOT want to teach at a different grade level! Well, again- when I told God this, like a father tends to do, he allowed me to have my tantrum and told me I had to anyways.
I ended up at my current school, teaching sixth grade. Being at an intermediate school (that thinks it should be an elementary school) has been like a roller coaster. There was one year where I completely sough God's will in my classroom and had the most AMAZING group of kids and an exceptional year. (Imagine that!)
My concerns (complaints) at the school mostly had to do with an extremely LOW morale at this particular campus. As you know, irritability and unhappiness are contagious! I often caught the plague and struggled to remain positive amidst all of our issues, including having nine different administrators in four years.
At the end of last school year, I decided to put in for a transfer. I did some soul searching to ensure I wasn't requesting a transfer because I was mad or anything like that and finally determined I was ready to head back up to middle school. I wouldn't change schools just for the sake of changing, and I prayed God would make it CLEAR as to where he would have me.
Well... every door I tried to walk through, he closed. It became clear I was to stay put... and again... WAIT.
Little did I know that in late, LATE summer, we would aquire our third principal in three years. I wasn't "excited" because I knew things could go from bad to worse with so much inconsistency... but I turned to my Real Deal peeps and asked them to pray for a Godly, positive principal to turn our school around.
Well, this week, teachers headed back. I have NEVER walked into that school building and seen everyone SO excited to be there! EVERYONE, even the chronic Debbie Downers had smiles on their faces. Our new principal was so welcoming and positive... I think we were all in shock for a while. She was motivating and personable and very down to Earth. This breath of fresh air in returning to school is JUST what I needed.
Who knows what the year will bring, but please continue to pray for our principal, teachers and ALL of our staff! May this be just the beginning of the best year we've ever had at our school! Pray for the students I met for the first time last night. Pray for my teammate as she embarks on her last year before retirement! I'm running her off! Can you believe it?!!? ~ Don't answer that!~
Anyhow- my eyes are opened again to God's sovereinty and faithfullness in our lives! He knew I needed a big gulp of refreshment!
I ended up at my current school, teaching sixth grade. Being at an intermediate school (that thinks it should be an elementary school) has been like a roller coaster. There was one year where I completely sough God's will in my classroom and had the most AMAZING group of kids and an exceptional year. (Imagine that!)
My concerns (complaints) at the school mostly had to do with an extremely LOW morale at this particular campus. As you know, irritability and unhappiness are contagious! I often caught the plague and struggled to remain positive amidst all of our issues, including having nine different administrators in four years.
At the end of last school year, I decided to put in for a transfer. I did some soul searching to ensure I wasn't requesting a transfer because I was mad or anything like that and finally determined I was ready to head back up to middle school. I wouldn't change schools just for the sake of changing, and I prayed God would make it CLEAR as to where he would have me.
Well... every door I tried to walk through, he closed. It became clear I was to stay put... and again... WAIT.
Little did I know that in late, LATE summer, we would aquire our third principal in three years. I wasn't "excited" because I knew things could go from bad to worse with so much inconsistency... but I turned to my Real Deal peeps and asked them to pray for a Godly, positive principal to turn our school around.
Well, this week, teachers headed back. I have NEVER walked into that school building and seen everyone SO excited to be there! EVERYONE, even the chronic Debbie Downers had smiles on their faces. Our new principal was so welcoming and positive... I think we were all in shock for a while. She was motivating and personable and very down to Earth. This breath of fresh air in returning to school is JUST what I needed.
Who knows what the year will bring, but please continue to pray for our principal, teachers and ALL of our staff! May this be just the beginning of the best year we've ever had at our school! Pray for the students I met for the first time last night. Pray for my teammate as she embarks on her last year before retirement! I'm running her off! Can you believe it?!!? ~ Don't answer that!~
Anyhow- my eyes are opened again to God's sovereinty and faithfullness in our lives! He knew I needed a big gulp of refreshment!
"What If" Video
I came across this video tonight and thought I'd share. It includes lots of the emotions I've felt during our time TTC. It's a bit different dealing with infertility and already having a child (secondary infertilty) but still... this video is very thought provoking.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Am I Fifteen Again?
Humm... so, in reading all of the side effects of clomid, NOWHERE did I read about bad skin! This summer has be brutal for my skin. I look like I'm going through puberty or something. I guess being pregnant, then having a miscarriage and now being on clomid has tormented my hormonal make up, but geez, the people who have to look at my zit ridden forehead don't know that! So for the record... as much as I would love to be young again, no, I'm not 15.... I'm just a hormonal mess!
Friday, August 13, 2010
"Camping"
So, I haven't posted on here in a week or so... we were off and galavanting around, enjoying our last days of Summer. I'm also a bit behind in my Bible study and trying to catch up. (We're now supposed to be on week six, and I'm in week five.)
One of the days back in week four talked about how the Israelites CAMPED at the bottom of Mt.Sinai awaiting God. This forced me to delve into my own life and realize how I have really forced myself NOT to set up camp... especially in the area of trying to conceive. But I do see how, if I am to be joyful and content in my present circumstances, it's very important for me to camp. To not rush God. To WAIT upon him.
Have you ever been camping? Mike and I recently purchased a pop up trailer for the purpose of making our camping experiences (the literal ones, not figurative) more comfortable. In our recent camping trips, we've started realizing some things.
~ We (I) tend to take a lot of JUNK that we really don't need. I mean, if I'm going to wear a bathing suit all day, why do I need five tank tops? That other junk just gets in the way in the close quarters of our pop up. What extra junk am I taking on this wilderness journey? Fear? False expectations? Anxiety? Am I packing all of that junk and not allowing space for the things I really need? Trust. Hope. Patience. Faith.
~ If we forget something or need something along the way, it's not the end of the world... God will supply our every need. There are convenient stores in life's journey, too!
~ Close quarters make us irritable... and draw us closer together. It's okay for me to get frustrated with God... but I need to lean into him and draw closer to him.
~ We never want to leave and enjoy our time together so much. In this camping time of the wilderness, I need to ENJOY this time with my Lord.
~ Sometimes the way home takes longer than you think, but God will provide people to help in times of trouble. I need to stop holding God to MY timeline and in the meantime, allow others to bless me instead of trying to always hold it together.
All in all, I need to stop moving... and just CAMP. Strangely, or NOT so strangely... my heart has more peace in realizing we could be camping for quite some time.
One of the days back in week four talked about how the Israelites CAMPED at the bottom of Mt.Sinai awaiting God. This forced me to delve into my own life and realize how I have really forced myself NOT to set up camp... especially in the area of trying to conceive. But I do see how, if I am to be joyful and content in my present circumstances, it's very important for me to camp. To not rush God. To WAIT upon him.
Have you ever been camping? Mike and I recently purchased a pop up trailer for the purpose of making our camping experiences (the literal ones, not figurative) more comfortable. In our recent camping trips, we've started realizing some things.
~ We (I) tend to take a lot of JUNK that we really don't need. I mean, if I'm going to wear a bathing suit all day, why do I need five tank tops? That other junk just gets in the way in the close quarters of our pop up. What extra junk am I taking on this wilderness journey? Fear? False expectations? Anxiety? Am I packing all of that junk and not allowing space for the things I really need? Trust. Hope. Patience. Faith.
~ If we forget something or need something along the way, it's not the end of the world... God will supply our every need. There are convenient stores in life's journey, too!
~ Close quarters make us irritable... and draw us closer together. It's okay for me to get frustrated with God... but I need to lean into him and draw closer to him.
~ We never want to leave and enjoy our time together so much. In this camping time of the wilderness, I need to ENJOY this time with my Lord.
~ Sometimes the way home takes longer than you think, but God will provide people to help in times of trouble. I need to stop holding God to MY timeline and in the meantime, allow others to bless me instead of trying to always hold it together.
All in all, I need to stop moving... and just CAMP. Strangely, or NOT so strangely... my heart has more peace in realizing we could be camping for quite some time.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Butterflies
It's weird to admit, I'm nervous to go home. I wasn't really... until today. Today I started thinking about seeing my parents again for the first time since the miscarriage. The last time I went home, it was full of hurt and loss. I know I need to face this and breathe through it. This time, it can be full of hope. I don't want to be sad.
I'm also nervous to see the people who attend FHBC, seeing as they pretty much just found out about most of this. I wouldn't be surprised if some of them still don't know, though starting the blog last week did allow Dad to finally open up and share. They are all such kind and gentle folks and I'm certain some of them may feel somewhat hurt while everything was going on... especially since I was THERE. I hope they understand how raw everything was. I hadn't even been able to mourn with my husband, so I just repressed most of the emotions I was feeling at the time. I also wanted normalcy for Thatcher. He LOVES Vacation Bible School and being with family. I didn't want VBS to be about anything other than WHO it's supposed to be about... and it ain't about me!
Anyhow, I'm sure they understand, but it's still weird in some ways, I guess.
I'm also nervous to see the people who attend FHBC, seeing as they pretty much just found out about most of this. I wouldn't be surprised if some of them still don't know, though starting the blog last week did allow Dad to finally open up and share. They are all such kind and gentle folks and I'm certain some of them may feel somewhat hurt while everything was going on... especially since I was THERE. I hope they understand how raw everything was. I hadn't even been able to mourn with my husband, so I just repressed most of the emotions I was feeling at the time. I also wanted normalcy for Thatcher. He LOVES Vacation Bible School and being with family. I didn't want VBS to be about anything other than WHO it's supposed to be about... and it ain't about me!
Anyhow, I'm sure they understand, but it's still weird in some ways, I guess.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
How Dare You Eat CAKE While I'm on a Diet??!!
Have you ever gotten OFFENDED or RESENTFUL or had your FEELINGS HURT when you are on a diet and someone around you eats cake? What? You haven't?? Duh!!
So if you don't get offended at someone eating cake while you're dieting... why would I get offended at being invited to a baby shower? Or get my feelings hurt when someone announces their pregnancy? Why would I resent seeing a gorgeous newborn?
I'm not saying it's always EASY to be on a diet when others sit and eat cake. It's not always easy, but it's not always difficult either. The longer you're on the diet, the easier it is to see others eating cake.
Is this a lame analogy? Perhaps. Is it a reality? Yes.
Last year at my school NINE different ladies either had a baby or announced their pregnancy. Some of these ladies are people I would call friends, not just colleagues. I'm not saying I never had a pity party on this or anything... I did. But something a sweet Godly friend told me has stuck with me. Her words resonate in my mind and heart and once I embraced them (it did take several weeks to internalize), I had peace.
She said (and I'm loosely quoting), "You need to remember, When God blesses someone else, he doesn't take YOUR blessing and give it to them. He just chose to bless someone else in a way you wanted to be blessed. That doesn't mean he STOLE your blessing. He just blessed them."
These words have not only enabled me to be "okay" with other people getting pregnant while I am not... they've helped me TRULY be completely happy for them. So... it's FINE... I might be on a diet... but GO! EAT CAKE and multiply!!!
So if you don't get offended at someone eating cake while you're dieting... why would I get offended at being invited to a baby shower? Or get my feelings hurt when someone announces their pregnancy? Why would I resent seeing a gorgeous newborn?
I'm not saying it's always EASY to be on a diet when others sit and eat cake. It's not always easy, but it's not always difficult either. The longer you're on the diet, the easier it is to see others eating cake.
Is this a lame analogy? Perhaps. Is it a reality? Yes.
Last year at my school NINE different ladies either had a baby or announced their pregnancy. Some of these ladies are people I would call friends, not just colleagues. I'm not saying I never had a pity party on this or anything... I did. But something a sweet Godly friend told me has stuck with me. Her words resonate in my mind and heart and once I embraced them (it did take several weeks to internalize), I had peace.
She said (and I'm loosely quoting), "You need to remember, When God blesses someone else, he doesn't take YOUR blessing and give it to them. He just chose to bless someone else in a way you wanted to be blessed. That doesn't mean he STOLE your blessing. He just blessed them."
These words have not only enabled me to be "okay" with other people getting pregnant while I am not... they've helped me TRULY be completely happy for them. So... it's FINE... I might be on a diet... but GO! EAT CAKE and multiply!!!
Suffering in Silence
I just started this blog a matter of days ago, and already I'm a bit surprised at the number of people who have or ARE battling infertility and/or loss. I knew the statistics of the number of women who suffer miscarriages, but I guess I didn't realize the number of couples who struggle to conceive.
One dear friend (who I knew struggled to conceive) called infertility, especially secondary infertility something that women "suffer in silence." She tried for years to have a second child... her first and second are almost exactly 13 years apart. All along, she told only people who absolutely had to know. She suffered alone.
I guess she's right. I suffered in near silence. Had I not miscarried, I probably wouldn't have ever made our struggle to have another child public knowledge. Many of our family members only knew we had been TTC for a while AFTER we finally got pregnant. Now that I AM sharing in a public forum, though, it's been sort of a relief. I don't feel like I'm hiding anymore. I do have some anxiety at how people might respond (more later on that, though) but at least I have people praying for us. I can breathe a bit deeper.
Some of you may not know this, but my mom struggled to have my sister. She was pretty much in the same situation I'm in right now... my own Mom has been here. My Mother in Law suffered a miscarriage (if not two). I don't call it a coincidence that God gave me parents and in-laws who both have gone through at least a portion of what Mike and I are walking through now. I call it a blessing. They "get" the emotions. They "get" that sometimes we REALLY don't want to talk about it. They "get" that sometimes it's ALL we (I) want to talk about.
So why do people struggling with infertility suffer in silence? Well, it's really a quite personal matter. I mean, think about it. Not only that, but it's just something you don't really know WHO to speak to about it. It's only when you accidentally discover someone else is going through the same thing that you are able to start talking about it. I pray that through this blog, those of us who have suffered in full or partial silence can find our voice and be okay with sharing our journey. At least with each other. Those of you who have shared with me, though I may not have responded just yet, have encouraged me. Just to know you've been there. It's encouraging.
One dear friend (who I knew struggled to conceive) called infertility, especially secondary infertility something that women "suffer in silence." She tried for years to have a second child... her first and second are almost exactly 13 years apart. All along, she told only people who absolutely had to know. She suffered alone.
I guess she's right. I suffered in near silence. Had I not miscarried, I probably wouldn't have ever made our struggle to have another child public knowledge. Many of our family members only knew we had been TTC for a while AFTER we finally got pregnant. Now that I AM sharing in a public forum, though, it's been sort of a relief. I don't feel like I'm hiding anymore. I do have some anxiety at how people might respond (more later on that, though) but at least I have people praying for us. I can breathe a bit deeper.
Some of you may not know this, but my mom struggled to have my sister. She was pretty much in the same situation I'm in right now... my own Mom has been here. My Mother in Law suffered a miscarriage (if not two). I don't call it a coincidence that God gave me parents and in-laws who both have gone through at least a portion of what Mike and I are walking through now. I call it a blessing. They "get" the emotions. They "get" that sometimes we REALLY don't want to talk about it. They "get" that sometimes it's ALL we (I) want to talk about.
So why do people struggling with infertility suffer in silence? Well, it's really a quite personal matter. I mean, think about it. Not only that, but it's just something you don't really know WHO to speak to about it. It's only when you accidentally discover someone else is going through the same thing that you are able to start talking about it. I pray that through this blog, those of us who have suffered in full or partial silence can find our voice and be okay with sharing our journey. At least with each other. Those of you who have shared with me, though I may not have responded just yet, have encouraged me. Just to know you've been there. It's encouraging.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Little Moments that Define Life
WARNING: Might cause Tears... does for me.
I wanted to share a separate post about finding out we were going to miscarry. This one small moment, literally... seconds... will forever be etched in my brain. Strangely, I've come to find the glory and blessing in it.
Leaning against the kitchen island in Mom and Dad's kitchen... it's now been several hours since I started spotting. Laura is, for the millionth time trying to convince me to "Just go to the ER. Just for peace of mind. That way you can just see the heartbeat."
I finally look at her with tears welled in my eyes, trying to keep them from spilling over. Afraid to verbalize the fear in the pit of my soul. "I just don't want to go. I don't want to hear those words... I'm sorry."
Laura- "You won't. Ang, I'm sure everything is fine. Do you want to be down here all week worried?" Sadly, she really did believe that everything was okay. Never once did my sister allow the "worst case scenario" to invade her thoughts.
Defeated, I moved to the couch. Still deliberating. I was honestly worried about the cost of going to the Emergency Room. With Mike having been laid off, God had really shielded our finances, but we tried to do our part to save. I just could imagine the bill... and I was barely spotting. Dad had mentioned something about, "Don't worry about the cost." But I would NOT. Repeat, would NOT allow my parents to foot the bill for this. Period. End of discussion.
Enter Dad. Mister preacher man who can shout to the Lord all the Earth... who can endure any hardship on Faith alone... but the thought of one of his girls hurting brings him immediately to his knees with tear streaked cheeks. "So you're trying to tell me that if Thatcher came to you and was hurting, you would tell him not to worry about it? That he'd be okay? That he SHOULD't go to the doctor because it was 'too expensive'? You would just let your son hurt?"
"That's DIFFERENT!!" I screamed. With his voice choking on each word, Daddy simply said. "No.... it's not." After a long pause where I surely gave a cry out, he added, "You will always be MY daughter. I will always do everything I can do to protect you."
In hindsight, I should have seen how much anxiety my family was going through as well. They shared my fear. They shared my burden. This child inside of me wasn't just my blood... it was theirs, too.
Fast forward to the Emergency Room. Dad stayed home with the kids. Laura went along with me. If you'll recall... Mike is at home in Keller.
We're able to make jokes, I change into a hot little backless number. A beautiful shade of cornflower with "Guadalupe Valley Hospital" haphazardly stamped all over it. The doctor comes in. He asks a few questions, does an ultrasound and says he can't see anything but that he's not really "that good" at OB stuff. Nice! He does leave the lights dimmed for a spa effect in the room while we wait for the trans vaginal (up the hoo-ha) u/s done by an u/s technician. The entire time we wait, we talk about nothing... anything to not think about why we're there.
After about 30 minutes or so, the u/s tech comes to get me. Suddenly, Laura and I are no longer joking. We're no longer joking. My heart begins racing. I feel hot. I feel nervous. I feel exposed and vulnerable. I pray. I get wheeled down a stark bright corridor into a dark room with the ultrasound machine.
The tech is very kind, explaining how she'll be looking at my ovaries, doing some measurements, just routine well checks they do. Laura stands close to the bed and she has a better view of the screen. I remember I had to pick my head up slightly to see anything. I remember it was much more uncomfortable than being at the OB's office where they want you to see the screen. It was almost like she didn't want me to see. I was determined to see.
"Lord, Please let their be a heartbeat.... please, God... a heartbeat.... God, please let me be okay with whatever the results are. Please, let me be okay. Please just let me trust you. God, please let me see a heartbeat."
It seemed like an eternity. The tech pushed on my stomach... measured this, measured that. Said something in there about a cyst, to which I started freaking out. Then she said that was normal in pregnancy. She moved and measured different things for so long, I finally set my head back for a rest. I looked at Laura, who was still staring at the screen. She peered down at me, held my hand and said, "I love you."
"Okay... so now let's take a look at the uterus." The tech said matter of factly.
Bud-ump. Bud-ump... my heart started racing again.
A large kidney bean shape black spot appeared on the screen. A familiar picture. One we still have hanging on our fridge of Thatcher's first ultra sound. But this dark kidney bean black spot was different. This familiar sight was eerily different. It was empty.
I looked at Laura and looked at the tech. I looked at Laura and looked at the tech. Neither of them were saying anything. Laura just staring at her, waiting for her to say something. Finally... I looked at my sister.
"Laura. There's no baby!! Oh God... there's no baby there!!"
The look of wonderment on my sister's face was unbelievable. She really thought I was insane. "Ang- she's still looking."
"There's no baby. There's no baby." Then to the tech. "There's no baby is there?"
She didn't answer.
I sat up and pointed to the screen. "Laura look! That's the placenta. Right there. It's empty!"
"How do you know? Ang... I can never tell what these things are."
I was shouting through my tears now, "There's no baby is there?"
The tech looked down then back at the screen. "Well... uh... I'm really not allowed to share the results. You'll have to wait to see the doctor."
"NOOOOO!" I sobbed. Laura took my head in her arms... still not fully understanding.
Finally, the tech softly said. "I'm sorry." Those words. Those words. The ones I feared. I released myself into the arms of my sister, allowing myself to melt into the refuge of her arms. Sobs wracked my body and I had no control. After what seemed like forever and a simple second all at once, I felt the need to explain. "Laura... as soon as I saw that image, I knew. It's the same as the sonogram we have of Thatcher... but there's no little white gummy bear in the middle of the black blob. It's just empty." Then the cries took over again... "There's just no baby. There's no baby."
I don't really remember everything about what was said after that. I remember complete silence as I was wheeled back to my room. I remember a few things.
Laura saying, "This isn't what I thought. I really... I really thought everything was okay."
At another moment, she looked at me and said something like, "I don't know what to say.... I have no idea what you're feeling" At that, I sat straight up and looked her square in the eyes, "I don't WANT you to know what to say. I don't WANT you to know. Laura, I don't want ANYONE to feel this hurt. I don't WANT you to understand because that will have meant you've been here."
I remember my phone ringing... "I will walk by faith" as my ringtone. I looked at Laura and laughed, saying, "I will. I will." as tears flowed again.
I honestly remember very little about talking to Mike. Telling him. I know he told me we'd be okay. That God would take care of us.
I felt like my heart had been run over by a Mac truck... but I had this weird sensation that life had to carry on as normal as possible for Thatcher's sake. Grandma had arranged horseback riding for the great grand kids. We still had three days of Vacation Bible School. I might not be having another baby... but I HAD a baby. And that little boy deserved his Mommy. He deserved to experience life. I knew I'd have to explain it to him... but somehow I knew he'd be the best medicine to heal my heart.
Life went on. Thatcher rode the horse. He went swimming with his cousins. We ate shrimp. We cried some. We continued with VBS. We had fun. Yes, even I had fun.
Looking back on that day... the hardest moment to relive was THE moment. The moment I looked at that screen. The moment I melted into my sisters arms. The moment I learned we lost the baby. In my wilderness Bible study, one of the things we had to do was write about the blessings in the midst of the wilderness. This day immediately came fresh and raw. I knew this was one of the darkest days in the wilderness for me. The blessing from it was also immediate.
My sister. Sharing this dark day with my sister. That was my blessing. It may seem odd to some people. Yes, I wish Mike was there... but he wasn't. Laura was. Growing up, my sister and I struggled with each other... to put it lightly. We always loved each other... but we sure hated each other, too. When she went off to college, we made a conscious decision that we were going to be friends. We talked it out, cried it out... we realized how much we really did love each other. Over the years following we shared joys and sorrows. A flood. The death of our Grandfather. Watching each other get married. Holding our niece/nephews.... but this day.
This day... This day... no one else was there. It was just her... and me. My big sister took care of me. She was my strength when I had none. She was who she is... my best friend. This day will forever, in my mind, be a day where my sister showed me more love than ever before. She didn't have to say anything. She didn't have to do anything. She was just... There.
Dear God... Thank you for blessing me with the most wonderful sister in the world. Thank you for allowing us to hate each other so much so we could someday love each other all the more. Thank you for allowing us to experience this horrible time together so she could bless my life.
I wanted to share a separate post about finding out we were going to miscarry. This one small moment, literally... seconds... will forever be etched in my brain. Strangely, I've come to find the glory and blessing in it.
Leaning against the kitchen island in Mom and Dad's kitchen... it's now been several hours since I started spotting. Laura is, for the millionth time trying to convince me to "Just go to the ER. Just for peace of mind. That way you can just see the heartbeat."
I finally look at her with tears welled in my eyes, trying to keep them from spilling over. Afraid to verbalize the fear in the pit of my soul. "I just don't want to go. I don't want to hear those words... I'm sorry."
Laura- "You won't. Ang, I'm sure everything is fine. Do you want to be down here all week worried?" Sadly, she really did believe that everything was okay. Never once did my sister allow the "worst case scenario" to invade her thoughts.
Defeated, I moved to the couch. Still deliberating. I was honestly worried about the cost of going to the Emergency Room. With Mike having been laid off, God had really shielded our finances, but we tried to do our part to save. I just could imagine the bill... and I was barely spotting. Dad had mentioned something about, "Don't worry about the cost." But I would NOT. Repeat, would NOT allow my parents to foot the bill for this. Period. End of discussion.
Enter Dad. Mister preacher man who can shout to the Lord all the Earth... who can endure any hardship on Faith alone... but the thought of one of his girls hurting brings him immediately to his knees with tear streaked cheeks. "So you're trying to tell me that if Thatcher came to you and was hurting, you would tell him not to worry about it? That he'd be okay? That he SHOULD't go to the doctor because it was 'too expensive'? You would just let your son hurt?"
"That's DIFFERENT!!" I screamed. With his voice choking on each word, Daddy simply said. "No.... it's not." After a long pause where I surely gave a cry out, he added, "You will always be MY daughter. I will always do everything I can do to protect you."
In hindsight, I should have seen how much anxiety my family was going through as well. They shared my fear. They shared my burden. This child inside of me wasn't just my blood... it was theirs, too.
Fast forward to the Emergency Room. Dad stayed home with the kids. Laura went along with me. If you'll recall... Mike is at home in Keller.
We're able to make jokes, I change into a hot little backless number. A beautiful shade of cornflower with "Guadalupe Valley Hospital" haphazardly stamped all over it. The doctor comes in. He asks a few questions, does an ultrasound and says he can't see anything but that he's not really "that good" at OB stuff. Nice! He does leave the lights dimmed for a spa effect in the room while we wait for the trans vaginal (up the hoo-ha) u/s done by an u/s technician. The entire time we wait, we talk about nothing... anything to not think about why we're there.
After about 30 minutes or so, the u/s tech comes to get me. Suddenly, Laura and I are no longer joking. We're no longer joking. My heart begins racing. I feel hot. I feel nervous. I feel exposed and vulnerable. I pray. I get wheeled down a stark bright corridor into a dark room with the ultrasound machine.
The tech is very kind, explaining how she'll be looking at my ovaries, doing some measurements, just routine well checks they do. Laura stands close to the bed and she has a better view of the screen. I remember I had to pick my head up slightly to see anything. I remember it was much more uncomfortable than being at the OB's office where they want you to see the screen. It was almost like she didn't want me to see. I was determined to see.
"Lord, Please let their be a heartbeat.... please, God... a heartbeat.... God, please let me be okay with whatever the results are. Please, let me be okay. Please just let me trust you. God, please let me see a heartbeat."
It seemed like an eternity. The tech pushed on my stomach... measured this, measured that. Said something in there about a cyst, to which I started freaking out. Then she said that was normal in pregnancy. She moved and measured different things for so long, I finally set my head back for a rest. I looked at Laura, who was still staring at the screen. She peered down at me, held my hand and said, "I love you."
"Okay... so now let's take a look at the uterus." The tech said matter of factly.
Bud-ump. Bud-ump... my heart started racing again.
A large kidney bean shape black spot appeared on the screen. A familiar picture. One we still have hanging on our fridge of Thatcher's first ultra sound. But this dark kidney bean black spot was different. This familiar sight was eerily different. It was empty.
I looked at Laura and looked at the tech. I looked at Laura and looked at the tech. Neither of them were saying anything. Laura just staring at her, waiting for her to say something. Finally... I looked at my sister.
"Laura. There's no baby!! Oh God... there's no baby there!!"
The look of wonderment on my sister's face was unbelievable. She really thought I was insane. "Ang- she's still looking."
"There's no baby. There's no baby." Then to the tech. "There's no baby is there?"
She didn't answer.
I sat up and pointed to the screen. "Laura look! That's the placenta. Right there. It's empty!"
"How do you know? Ang... I can never tell what these things are."
I was shouting through my tears now, "There's no baby is there?"
The tech looked down then back at the screen. "Well... uh... I'm really not allowed to share the results. You'll have to wait to see the doctor."
"NOOOOO!" I sobbed. Laura took my head in her arms... still not fully understanding.
Finally, the tech softly said. "I'm sorry." Those words. Those words. The ones I feared. I released myself into the arms of my sister, allowing myself to melt into the refuge of her arms. Sobs wracked my body and I had no control. After what seemed like forever and a simple second all at once, I felt the need to explain. "Laura... as soon as I saw that image, I knew. It's the same as the sonogram we have of Thatcher... but there's no little white gummy bear in the middle of the black blob. It's just empty." Then the cries took over again... "There's just no baby. There's no baby."
I don't really remember everything about what was said after that. I remember complete silence as I was wheeled back to my room. I remember a few things.
Laura saying, "This isn't what I thought. I really... I really thought everything was okay."
At another moment, she looked at me and said something like, "I don't know what to say.... I have no idea what you're feeling" At that, I sat straight up and looked her square in the eyes, "I don't WANT you to know what to say. I don't WANT you to know. Laura, I don't want ANYONE to feel this hurt. I don't WANT you to understand because that will have meant you've been here."
I remember my phone ringing... "I will walk by faith" as my ringtone. I looked at Laura and laughed, saying, "I will. I will." as tears flowed again.
I honestly remember very little about talking to Mike. Telling him. I know he told me we'd be okay. That God would take care of us.
I felt like my heart had been run over by a Mac truck... but I had this weird sensation that life had to carry on as normal as possible for Thatcher's sake. Grandma had arranged horseback riding for the great grand kids. We still had three days of Vacation Bible School. I might not be having another baby... but I HAD a baby. And that little boy deserved his Mommy. He deserved to experience life. I knew I'd have to explain it to him... but somehow I knew he'd be the best medicine to heal my heart.
Life went on. Thatcher rode the horse. He went swimming with his cousins. We ate shrimp. We cried some. We continued with VBS. We had fun. Yes, even I had fun.
Looking back on that day... the hardest moment to relive was THE moment. The moment I looked at that screen. The moment I melted into my sisters arms. The moment I learned we lost the baby. In my wilderness Bible study, one of the things we had to do was write about the blessings in the midst of the wilderness. This day immediately came fresh and raw. I knew this was one of the darkest days in the wilderness for me. The blessing from it was also immediate.
My sister. Sharing this dark day with my sister. That was my blessing. It may seem odd to some people. Yes, I wish Mike was there... but he wasn't. Laura was. Growing up, my sister and I struggled with each other... to put it lightly. We always loved each other... but we sure hated each other, too. When she went off to college, we made a conscious decision that we were going to be friends. We talked it out, cried it out... we realized how much we really did love each other. Over the years following we shared joys and sorrows. A flood. The death of our Grandfather. Watching each other get married. Holding our niece/nephews.... but this day.
This day... This day... no one else was there. It was just her... and me. My big sister took care of me. She was my strength when I had none. She was who she is... my best friend. This day will forever, in my mind, be a day where my sister showed me more love than ever before. She didn't have to say anything. She didn't have to do anything. She was just... There.
Dear God... Thank you for blessing me with the most wonderful sister in the world. Thank you for allowing us to hate each other so much so we could someday love each other all the more. Thank you for allowing us to experience this horrible time together so she could bless my life.
A month in the life of TTC
So... I wanted to give you a snapshot of what a typical month has been like for me in the past year. It will become very clear how I respond to stress! If you are a male who knows me personally, you may want to forgo reading this post and allow your wife to confirm... It's stressful.
Here's the "key"
CD- Cycle day
AF- Aunt Flow
POAS- Pee on a Stick
OPK- Ovulation Predictor Kit
FMU- first morning urine
BFN- Big Fat Negative
BFP- Big Fat Positive
BD- Baby Dance (below will not include this to spare everyone.)
Begin each day with a vitamin cocktail: Prenatal, Maca Root (Mike gets it too!), Allergy meds, extra Folic Acid
CD1- AF arrives. Sinking feeling in heart. Confirmation of what you already knew but thought... MAYBE.
CD2-7 Get mad, but have a "whatever" attitude. Start eating better.
CD8- start POAS (OPK) with FMU
CD9-10 POAS, pray for high fertility
CD11-16 POAS every morning. Answer questions from Boogie... "What's THAT?" At some point get mad at the fertility monitor b/c it skips "high" and goes straight to peak. Eat chips. Never stop thinking about this.
CD17-19 Continue POAS. Pray fertility monitor stays at peak longer, but it doesn't. Wonder why I'm the exception to every rule written in the handbook? Find ice cream... yum. Cookies and Cream! Didn't help... still thinking about it. Let's try a twix.
CD20-25 No more POAS...Time to endulge! ... after all... I COULD be pregnant... might as well eat like I am! Wonder daily... are my boobs sore? Oh, I wonder if I'm pregnant. I did have to pee a lot today... wonder what that means???
CD26 POAS- Pregnancy test, BFN... only 10DPO. I know, I know... it's really early. A slush shounds good.
CD27 POAS- BFN... only 11 DPO. Again... I know... goodness... better stop at Sonic for breakfast. Spend all day thinking about tests. Visit pee on a stick dot com to see the showdown.
CD28 POAS- another BFN URG! Promise myself to stop wasting tests... will wait until AF starts. Buy doughnuts for my teammate and I (knowing she's diabetic and I'll have to eat hers, too... but hey- I offered!)
CD29 Don't POAS in the morning. Think about it all day. Did we BD at the right times? Why did it skip to peak? Eat a candy bar for a snack. POAS that night. BFN. Convince myself it's because I didn't use FMU. Stay up all night thinking about it.
CD30 Resist the urge to POAS knowing it won't help anything. Spotting... starts. Sometimes tears come... sometimes anger... sometimes frustration...
CD1 AF in full force confirming what I already knew. I think I need to buy stock in early pregancy tests dot com. Hummm... wonder how I gained two pounds this month???
Repeat from beginning... change out snack of choice occassionally. Change out length of cycle, thus making ovulation prediction difficult even for the computer. And yes, I gained close to 20 pounds from May to May. Now you know how I deal with stress. Now you also know why I struggle with my weight.
In the meantime, each month people (including the doctor) will tell you:
"Just don't think about it."
"You just need to BD more often."
"Quit stressing. That's when it happens."
"You already have a son. He's enough."
"So... when are YOU going to have another one?"
"Have you thought about adoption?"
"Relax!"
"It's all in God's timing."
Here are my responses:
"Why don't YOU try that and let me know how it works for you."
~I will skip all my rude BD comments~
"How would you go about stopping stress?"
"He is. He is perfect and I love him with all of my heart."
"When I can finally get pregnant... THAT's when."
"Yes."
"Can you please pay for a daily massage... that might help me relax."
"I know. I'm working on getting my heart there."
Here's the "key"
CD- Cycle day
AF- Aunt Flow
POAS- Pee on a Stick
OPK- Ovulation Predictor Kit
FMU- first morning urine
BFN- Big Fat Negative
BFP- Big Fat Positive
BD- Baby Dance (below will not include this to spare everyone.)
Begin each day with a vitamin cocktail: Prenatal, Maca Root (Mike gets it too!), Allergy meds, extra Folic Acid
CD1- AF arrives. Sinking feeling in heart. Confirmation of what you already knew but thought... MAYBE.
CD2-7 Get mad, but have a "whatever" attitude. Start eating better.
CD8- start POAS (OPK) with FMU
CD9-10 POAS, pray for high fertility
CD11-16 POAS every morning. Answer questions from Boogie... "What's THAT?" At some point get mad at the fertility monitor b/c it skips "high" and goes straight to peak. Eat chips. Never stop thinking about this.
CD17-19 Continue POAS. Pray fertility monitor stays at peak longer, but it doesn't. Wonder why I'm the exception to every rule written in the handbook? Find ice cream... yum. Cookies and Cream! Didn't help... still thinking about it. Let's try a twix.
CD20-25 No more POAS...Time to endulge! ... after all... I COULD be pregnant... might as well eat like I am! Wonder daily... are my boobs sore? Oh, I wonder if I'm pregnant. I did have to pee a lot today... wonder what that means???
CD26 POAS- Pregnancy test, BFN... only 10DPO. I know, I know... it's really early. A slush shounds good.
CD27 POAS- BFN... only 11 DPO. Again... I know... goodness... better stop at Sonic for breakfast. Spend all day thinking about tests. Visit pee on a stick dot com to see the showdown.
CD28 POAS- another BFN URG! Promise myself to stop wasting tests... will wait until AF starts. Buy doughnuts for my teammate and I (knowing she's diabetic and I'll have to eat hers, too... but hey- I offered!)
CD29 Don't POAS in the morning. Think about it all day. Did we BD at the right times? Why did it skip to peak? Eat a candy bar for a snack. POAS that night. BFN. Convince myself it's because I didn't use FMU. Stay up all night thinking about it.
CD30 Resist the urge to POAS knowing it won't help anything. Spotting... starts. Sometimes tears come... sometimes anger... sometimes frustration...
CD1 AF in full force confirming what I already knew. I think I need to buy stock in early pregancy tests dot com. Hummm... wonder how I gained two pounds this month???
Repeat from beginning... change out snack of choice occassionally. Change out length of cycle, thus making ovulation prediction difficult even for the computer. And yes, I gained close to 20 pounds from May to May. Now you know how I deal with stress. Now you also know why I struggle with my weight.
In the meantime, each month people (including the doctor) will tell you:
"Just don't think about it."
"You just need to BD more often."
"Quit stressing. That's when it happens."
"You already have a son. He's enough."
"So... when are YOU going to have another one?"
"Have you thought about adoption?"
"Relax!"
"It's all in God's timing."
Here are my responses:
"Why don't YOU try that and let me know how it works for you."
~I will skip all my rude BD comments~
"How would you go about stopping stress?"
"He is. He is perfect and I love him with all of my heart."
"When I can finally get pregnant... THAT's when."
"Yes."
"Can you please pay for a daily massage... that might help me relax."
"I know. I'm working on getting my heart there."
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Our Story- the basics
In January, 2009, I began a Bible study led by an amazing gifted teacher, Amanda Walls. The study surrounded embracing "Brokenness" in your life as a way for God to use you. Little did I know my life journey was about to begin getting REALLY "broken".
In February of that year, Mike discovered he and his entire department at DHL would be laid off, their jobs outsourced to India. Thankfully, he was allowed five months notice. We began cutting back spending habits and trying to prepare our storehouse for a time of drought. In reality, I truly thought he MIGHT be out of work for a couple of months.... MAX. (Insert laughter here.)
Though we knew Mike would be without a job, we decided to go ahead and begin trying to conceive our second child. This was May 2009.
If you've never had to TRY to conceive a child, the exhausting and exasperated emotions surrounding trying to conceive will be lost on you. You are probably one of the ones who thinks, "Cool! Lucky Mike! He gets to "practice" even longer!" However, if you've ever gone even one single month seeing a negative pregnancy test result when your heart desires a child, you KNOW this is not true. Each passing month, the fear and anxiety level rises. I became totally invested in trying to get pregnant. I trusted God would could allow us another child, and I was certainly going to do everything I could. While this is fine, I let my world revolve around this. I'll blog more on this later.
After using ovulation monitors and predictor kits for more than seven months, I finally set up an appointment to see my doctor. THIS, was VERY hard for me. It was admitting I needed help. The following Sunday after I made this appointment was one of the most emotional Sunday worships I'd had. Funk Family- you were sitting behind us. So sorry you had to watch me sob through worship! At the time, I truly felt like I was surrendering to God, allowing Him to take control.
The doctor wouldn't help us. She wanted us to wait an entire year before she'd even allow us to start clomid. I left the office in tears.
I was scheduled to begin taking clomid the third day of my May cycle. I knew I would either have CD1 in very late April or early May. At that time, my prayer was simply that I'd wait until May to start a cycle so she would call in my RX.
May 2, 2010, after having four days of negative pregnancy tests... I discovered WE WERE PREGNANT!! The joy I should have felt was instead an emotion of relief. The journey was finally over. I was nervous to tell anyone our news, as my heart was filled with anxiety. It took us SO long to conceive this baby- an entire year- I just didn't want to be filled with joy until I knew everything was okay. I had internal conversations with myself all the time... "You have no reason to fear a miscarriage. You have no history of that. Why would you worry." ~"But you don't FEEL pregnant. What if there's something wrong." ~"There's nothing wrong!" ~"But I just can't go through this again. This baby HAS to stick." It was relentless. I did tell our family, but I just wasn't ready to announce this news to the world just yet.
In June, I went to my parent's house in Seguin to teach VBS at the church my Dad pastors. On the way down, I started thinking about how far along I was. Ten weeks. Eleven weeks when I get home... then we have another ultrasound. I'll see the baby's heartbeat this time, and I can start telling people. I couldn't WAIT to share this news with our ABF class.... especially since very few of them knew we had be struggling to conceive.
Tuesday. June 15. 2010. Vacation Bible School is over. I go to the bathroom. My heart sinks. I'm spotting. Tears well up. I find my mom. I cry. I don't want to think the worst. It could be nothing. It could be the end. It could be nothing. Find the exit. Leave. Go. Now.
Conversation in the car between Boogie and I:
"Mommy... why you crying? Are you sad Mommy?"
"No, Boogie. Mommy's just scared."
"Oh..... You scared of MONSTERS?"
"No, Mommy's not scared of Monsters."
"Well, what you scared of then?"
"Mommy's scared for the Baby in her tummy."
"Oh. January?"
"Yes."
"Your tummy hurt, Mommy?"
"Yes. Mommy's tummy hurts."
"Oh. You have to go see the doctor?"
"Well.... yes, Mommy might have to go see the doctor."
"Oh! Mommy! You get a LOLLY!!!"
I will never forget that conversation with my sweet three year old son in the car that day. In my heart, I was so scared. But he reminded me, God tells us- Don't be afraid of ANYTHING.
It was an afternoon of fear and rationalizing. I didn't want to go to the ER and feel stupid... but what if there was something wrong. My sister and a nurse on the phone finally convinced me I needed to go. Just to get checked out. Just for peace of mind.
The lady checking us in to Guadalupe Valley Hospital was a long time friend of our family. Her husband sang at my wedding. God used her to calm my heart some.
I'm going to skip through all of the emotional details here and save the hospital experience for another entry... long story short.... there was no baby. Yes, I had been pregnant. The baby died at some point after six weeks and my body reabsorbed the fetus itself, but my placenta and hormone levels kept growing. My body thought I was ten and a half weeks pregnant... though my womb was empty where the baby should be.
Emotion. Sobbing. Confusion. Phone rings. "I will walk by faith. Even when I can not see. Because this broken road prepares your will for me." Appropriate ring tone. God's subtle reminders. He's here. He's holding my hand. He will walk me through this. Empty. I feel empty.
The roller coaster begins. When will this be over? When will this miscarriage start? "Ang, Remember... Mike is at home. You have your family here. He needs someone with him. Is there someone you can call?" That's Dad. Thank you Lord for my earthly Father who thinks beyond himself. Thinks beyond his hurt. Wow. This is a family loss. This hurt is beyond me. Mike... five hours away.
I immediately called Lindsey. Sweet Lindsey. She didn't ask questions. She just acted. She knew I was raw. I was in shock. Matt... Matt took care of Mike. The next day, Brett took care of Mike. The next night, Bobby took care of Mike.
I stayed in Seguin, almost as a refuge. I could hide from the reality of what was happening. I knew when I saw my sweet Godly husband, the loss would hit my heart like a dagger.... and it did. The following Saturday, I arrived home. The band aid was ripped off and we mourned. The healing could begin.
The next day, Sunday, was one of the toughest times I've ever walked into a churh building. I knew I NEEDED to worship. God planted the right person next to me, though, that's for sure. Love you, Tracy.
A few days later, I miscarried naturally at home. I was eleven weeks and four days. The following Sunday was Father's Day.
Now... to present day. I'm four weeks into a Bible study about the Israelites journey through the wilderness. God didn't allow them to experience the wilderness... he PUT them in the wilderness. I'm in the middle of my own wilderness experience. It's much easier for me to pretend like I'm NOT. It's easier for me to go through life being "happy Angela." But I've really struggled. I had to put myself in the shoes of those around me. If one of the couples in my ABF class was going through this... I would want to know. I would wonder what week after week of "unspoken" prayer requests meant. I would want to hold them and cry with them. I've allowed a few of them to do that... but I'm realizing that in order to heal, I need to share. I don't need pity. I don't need words of advice. I don't need anyone to tell me to "trust God's will." If I were a person sitting in my Dad's congregation, I would want to see that my pastor hurts, too. I would want to pray for him. I've made my family swear to secrecy because that was easier for ME. Well, what's easier for me isn't always right.
So... I'm starting this blog for a few reasons. One: for selfish healing and a place to vent. Writing for me is cathartic. Two: to help others in the same situation. Three: to be able to allow people in at whatever degree they want to be let in. Four: for accountability in trusting GOD in this journey.
I'm warning you now... the entries in this blog may be graphic. They may be emotional. They may be angry. I don't know. Read at your own risk. This blog will NOT be well written... it will be raw. Because I am raw.
We're okay. We're going to be okay. We are determined to FULLY trust God in this journey through the wilderness. We will walk by faith, not by sight. And when we're on the other side, we will give HIM the glory!
How can you pray for us now? We're in the process of making our first appointments with a fertility specialist. Pray this is the route God needs us to go. Pray for Angela to have a clear mind and not think about this all the time.
In February of that year, Mike discovered he and his entire department at DHL would be laid off, their jobs outsourced to India. Thankfully, he was allowed five months notice. We began cutting back spending habits and trying to prepare our storehouse for a time of drought. In reality, I truly thought he MIGHT be out of work for a couple of months.... MAX. (Insert laughter here.)
Though we knew Mike would be without a job, we decided to go ahead and begin trying to conceive our second child. This was May 2009.
If you've never had to TRY to conceive a child, the exhausting and exasperated emotions surrounding trying to conceive will be lost on you. You are probably one of the ones who thinks, "Cool! Lucky Mike! He gets to "practice" even longer!" However, if you've ever gone even one single month seeing a negative pregnancy test result when your heart desires a child, you KNOW this is not true. Each passing month, the fear and anxiety level rises. I became totally invested in trying to get pregnant. I trusted God would could allow us another child, and I was certainly going to do everything I could. While this is fine, I let my world revolve around this. I'll blog more on this later.
After using ovulation monitors and predictor kits for more than seven months, I finally set up an appointment to see my doctor. THIS, was VERY hard for me. It was admitting I needed help. The following Sunday after I made this appointment was one of the most emotional Sunday worships I'd had. Funk Family- you were sitting behind us. So sorry you had to watch me sob through worship! At the time, I truly felt like I was surrendering to God, allowing Him to take control.
The doctor wouldn't help us. She wanted us to wait an entire year before she'd even allow us to start clomid. I left the office in tears.
I was scheduled to begin taking clomid the third day of my May cycle. I knew I would either have CD1 in very late April or early May. At that time, my prayer was simply that I'd wait until May to start a cycle so she would call in my RX.
May 2, 2010, after having four days of negative pregnancy tests... I discovered WE WERE PREGNANT!! The joy I should have felt was instead an emotion of relief. The journey was finally over. I was nervous to tell anyone our news, as my heart was filled with anxiety. It took us SO long to conceive this baby- an entire year- I just didn't want to be filled with joy until I knew everything was okay. I had internal conversations with myself all the time... "You have no reason to fear a miscarriage. You have no history of that. Why would you worry." ~"But you don't FEEL pregnant. What if there's something wrong." ~"There's nothing wrong!" ~"But I just can't go through this again. This baby HAS to stick." It was relentless. I did tell our family, but I just wasn't ready to announce this news to the world just yet.
In June, I went to my parent's house in Seguin to teach VBS at the church my Dad pastors. On the way down, I started thinking about how far along I was. Ten weeks. Eleven weeks when I get home... then we have another ultrasound. I'll see the baby's heartbeat this time, and I can start telling people. I couldn't WAIT to share this news with our ABF class.... especially since very few of them knew we had be struggling to conceive.
Tuesday. June 15. 2010. Vacation Bible School is over. I go to the bathroom. My heart sinks. I'm spotting. Tears well up. I find my mom. I cry. I don't want to think the worst. It could be nothing. It could be the end. It could be nothing. Find the exit. Leave. Go. Now.
Conversation in the car between Boogie and I:
"Mommy... why you crying? Are you sad Mommy?"
"No, Boogie. Mommy's just scared."
"Oh..... You scared of MONSTERS?"
"No, Mommy's not scared of Monsters."
"Well, what you scared of then?"
"Mommy's scared for the Baby in her tummy."
"Oh. January?"
"Yes."
"Your tummy hurt, Mommy?"
"Yes. Mommy's tummy hurts."
"Oh. You have to go see the doctor?"
"Well.... yes, Mommy might have to go see the doctor."
"Oh! Mommy! You get a LOLLY!!!"
I will never forget that conversation with my sweet three year old son in the car that day. In my heart, I was so scared. But he reminded me, God tells us- Don't be afraid of ANYTHING.
It was an afternoon of fear and rationalizing. I didn't want to go to the ER and feel stupid... but what if there was something wrong. My sister and a nurse on the phone finally convinced me I needed to go. Just to get checked out. Just for peace of mind.
The lady checking us in to Guadalupe Valley Hospital was a long time friend of our family. Her husband sang at my wedding. God used her to calm my heart some.
I'm going to skip through all of the emotional details here and save the hospital experience for another entry... long story short.... there was no baby. Yes, I had been pregnant. The baby died at some point after six weeks and my body reabsorbed the fetus itself, but my placenta and hormone levels kept growing. My body thought I was ten and a half weeks pregnant... though my womb was empty where the baby should be.
Emotion. Sobbing. Confusion. Phone rings. "I will walk by faith. Even when I can not see. Because this broken road prepares your will for me." Appropriate ring tone. God's subtle reminders. He's here. He's holding my hand. He will walk me through this. Empty. I feel empty.
The roller coaster begins. When will this be over? When will this miscarriage start? "Ang, Remember... Mike is at home. You have your family here. He needs someone with him. Is there someone you can call?" That's Dad. Thank you Lord for my earthly Father who thinks beyond himself. Thinks beyond his hurt. Wow. This is a family loss. This hurt is beyond me. Mike... five hours away.
I immediately called Lindsey. Sweet Lindsey. She didn't ask questions. She just acted. She knew I was raw. I was in shock. Matt... Matt took care of Mike. The next day, Brett took care of Mike. The next night, Bobby took care of Mike.
I stayed in Seguin, almost as a refuge. I could hide from the reality of what was happening. I knew when I saw my sweet Godly husband, the loss would hit my heart like a dagger.... and it did. The following Saturday, I arrived home. The band aid was ripped off and we mourned. The healing could begin.
The next day, Sunday, was one of the toughest times I've ever walked into a churh building. I knew I NEEDED to worship. God planted the right person next to me, though, that's for sure. Love you, Tracy.
A few days later, I miscarried naturally at home. I was eleven weeks and four days. The following Sunday was Father's Day.
Now... to present day. I'm four weeks into a Bible study about the Israelites journey through the wilderness. God didn't allow them to experience the wilderness... he PUT them in the wilderness. I'm in the middle of my own wilderness experience. It's much easier for me to pretend like I'm NOT. It's easier for me to go through life being "happy Angela." But I've really struggled. I had to put myself in the shoes of those around me. If one of the couples in my ABF class was going through this... I would want to know. I would wonder what week after week of "unspoken" prayer requests meant. I would want to hold them and cry with them. I've allowed a few of them to do that... but I'm realizing that in order to heal, I need to share. I don't need pity. I don't need words of advice. I don't need anyone to tell me to "trust God's will." If I were a person sitting in my Dad's congregation, I would want to see that my pastor hurts, too. I would want to pray for him. I've made my family swear to secrecy because that was easier for ME. Well, what's easier for me isn't always right.
So... I'm starting this blog for a few reasons. One: for selfish healing and a place to vent. Writing for me is cathartic. Two: to help others in the same situation. Three: to be able to allow people in at whatever degree they want to be let in. Four: for accountability in trusting GOD in this journey.
I'm warning you now... the entries in this blog may be graphic. They may be emotional. They may be angry. I don't know. Read at your own risk. This blog will NOT be well written... it will be raw. Because I am raw.
We're okay. We're going to be okay. We are determined to FULLY trust God in this journey through the wilderness. We will walk by faith, not by sight. And when we're on the other side, we will give HIM the glory!
How can you pray for us now? We're in the process of making our first appointments with a fertility specialist. Pray this is the route God needs us to go. Pray for Angela to have a clear mind and not think about this all the time.
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