Gifts of H20 in the desert

One of the aspects of our time in the wilderness I haven't touched on has to do with just me.  Four years ago, I was perfectly happy and content teaching at a local middle school.  I loved it there and did NOT want to move schools and I surely did NOT want to teach at a different grade level!  Well, again- when I told God this,  like a father tends to do, he allowed me to have my tantrum and told me I had to anyways. 

I ended up at my current school, teaching sixth grade.  Being at an intermediate school (that thinks it should be an elementary school) has been like a roller coaster.  There was one year where I completely sough God's will in my classroom and had the most AMAZING group of kids and an exceptional year. (Imagine that!)

My concerns (complaints) at the school mostly had to do with an extremely LOW morale at this particular campus.  As you know, irritability and unhappiness are contagious!  I often caught the plague and struggled to remain positive amidst all of our issues, including having nine different administrators in four years.

At the end of last school year, I decided to put in for a transfer.  I did some soul searching to ensure I wasn't requesting a transfer because I was mad or anything like that and finally determined I was ready to head back up to middle school.  I wouldn't change schools just for the sake of changing, and I prayed God would make it CLEAR as to where he would have me.

Well... every door I tried to walk through, he closed.  It became clear I was to stay put... and again... WAIT. 

Little did I know that in late, LATE summer, we would aquire our third principal in three years.  I wasn't "excited" because I knew things could go from bad to worse with so much inconsistency... but I turned to my Real Deal peeps and asked them to pray for a Godly, positive principal to turn our school around.

Well, this week, teachers headed back.  I have NEVER walked into that school building and seen everyone SO excited to be there!  EVERYONE, even the chronic Debbie Downers had smiles on their faces.  Our new principal was so welcoming and positive... I think we were all in shock for a while.  She was motivating and personable and very down to Earth.  This breath of fresh air in returning to school is JUST what I needed. 

Who knows what the year will bring, but please continue to pray for our principal, teachers and ALL of our staff! May this be just the beginning of the best year we've ever had at our school!  Pray for the students I met for the first time last night.  Pray for my teammate as she embarks on her last year before retirement!  I'm running her off! Can you believe it?!!? ~ Don't answer that!~

Anyhow- my eyes are opened again to God's sovereinty and faithfullness in our lives!  He knew I needed a big gulp of refreshment!

"What If" Video

I came across this video tonight and thought I'd share.  It includes lots of the emotions I've felt during our time TTC.  It's a bit different dealing with infertility and already having a child (secondary infertilty) but still... this video is very thought provoking.

Am I Fifteen Again?

Humm... so, in reading all of the side effects of clomid, NOWHERE did I read about bad skin!  This summer has be brutal for my skin.  I look like I'm going through puberty or something.  I guess being pregnant, then having a miscarriage and now being on clomid has tormented my hormonal make up, but geez, the people who have to look at my zit ridden forehead don't know that!  So for the record... as much as I would love to be young again, no, I'm not 15.... I'm just a hormonal mess!

"Camping"

So, I haven't posted on here in a week or so... we were off and galavanting around, enjoying our last days of Summer.  I'm also a bit behind in my Bible study and trying to catch up.  (We're now supposed to be on week six, and I'm in week five.)

One of the days back in week four talked about how the Israelites CAMPED at the bottom of Mt.Sinai awaiting God.  This forced me to delve into my own life and realize how I have really forced myself NOT to set up camp... especially in the area of trying to conceive.  But I do see how, if I am to be joyful and content in my present circumstances, it's very important for me to camp.  To not rush God.  To WAIT upon him.

Have you ever been camping?  Mike and I recently purchased a pop up trailer for the purpose of making our camping experiences (the literal ones, not figurative) more comfortable.  In our recent camping trips, we've started realizing some things.

~ We (I) tend to take a lot of JUNK that we really don't need.  I mean, if I'm going to wear a bathing suit all day, why do I need five tank tops?  That other junk just gets in the way in the close quarters of our pop up.  What extra junk am I taking on this wilderness journey?  Fear? False expectations?  Anxiety?  Am I packing all of that junk and not allowing space for the things I really need?  Trust. Hope. Patience. Faith.
~ If we forget something or need something along the way, it's not the end of the world... God will supply our every need.  There are convenient stores in life's journey, too!
~ Close quarters make us irritable... and draw us closer together. It's okay for me to get frustrated with God... but I need to lean into him and draw closer to him.
~ We never want to leave and enjoy our time together so much. In this camping time of the wilderness, I need to ENJOY this time with my Lord. 
~ Sometimes the way home takes longer than you think, but God will provide people to help in times of trouble.  I need to stop holding God to MY timeline and in the meantime, allow others to bless me instead of trying to always hold it together.

All in all, I need to stop moving... and just CAMP.  Strangely, or NOT so strangely... my heart has more peace in realizing we could be camping for quite some time.

Butterflies

It's weird to admit, I'm nervous to go home.  I wasn't really... until today.  Today I started thinking about seeing my parents again for the first time since the miscarriage.  The last time I went home, it was full of hurt and loss.  I know I need to face this and breathe through it.  This time, it can be full of hope.  I don't want to be sad.

I'm also nervous to see the people who attend FHBC, seeing as they pretty much just found out about most of this.  I wouldn't be surprised if some of them still don't know, though starting the blog last week did allow Dad to finally open up and share.  They are all such kind and gentle folks and I'm certain some of them may feel somewhat hurt while everything was going on... especially since I was THERE.  I hope they understand how raw everything was.  I hadn't even been able to mourn with my husband, so I just repressed most of the emotions I was feeling at the time.  I also wanted normalcy for Thatcher.  He LOVES Vacation Bible School and being with family.  I didn't want VBS to be about anything other than WHO it's supposed to be about... and it ain't about me!

Anyhow, I'm sure they understand, but it's still weird in some ways, I guess. 

How Dare You Eat CAKE While I'm on a Diet??!!

Have you ever gotten OFFENDED or RESENTFUL or had your FEELINGS HURT when you are on a diet and someone around you eats cake?  What?  You haven't??  Duh!!

So if you don't get offended at someone eating cake while you're dieting... why would I get offended at being invited to a baby shower?  Or get my feelings hurt when someone announces their pregnancy?  Why would I resent seeing a gorgeous newborn?

I'm not saying it's always EASY to be on a diet when others sit and eat cake.  It's not always easy, but it's not always difficult either.  The longer you're on the diet, the easier it is to see others eating cake.

Is this a lame analogy?  Perhaps.  Is it a reality?  Yes. 

Last year at my school NINE different ladies either had a baby or announced their pregnancy.  Some of these ladies are people I would call friends, not just colleagues.  I'm not saying I never had a pity party on this or anything... I did.  But something a sweet Godly friend told me has stuck with me.  Her words resonate in my mind and heart and once I embraced them (it did take several weeks to internalize), I had peace.

She said (and I'm loosely quoting), "You need to remember, When God blesses someone else, he doesn't take YOUR blessing and give it to them.  He just chose to bless someone else in a way you wanted to be blessed.  That doesn't mean he STOLE your blessing.  He just blessed them."

These words have not only enabled me to be "okay" with other people getting pregnant while I am not... they've helped me TRULY be completely happy for them.  So... it's FINE... I might be on a diet... but GO!  EAT CAKE and multiply!!!

Suffering in Silence

I just started this blog a matter of days ago, and already I'm a bit surprised at the number of people who have or ARE battling infertility and/or loss.  I knew the statistics of the number of women who suffer miscarriages, but I guess I didn't realize the number of couples who struggle to conceive.

One dear friend (who I knew struggled to conceive) called infertility, especially secondary infertility something that women "suffer in silence."  She tried for years to have a second child... her first and second are almost exactly 13 years apart.  All along, she told only people who absolutely had to know.  She suffered alone.

I guess she's right.  I suffered in near silence.  Had I not miscarried, I probably wouldn't have ever made our struggle to have another child public knowledge.  Many of our family members only knew we had been TTC for a while AFTER we finally got pregnant.  Now that I AM sharing in a public forum, though, it's been sort of a relief.  I don't feel like I'm hiding anymore.  I do have some anxiety at how people might respond (more later on that, though) but at least I have people praying for us.  I can breathe a bit deeper.

Some of you may not know this, but my mom struggled to have my sister.  She was pretty much in the same situation I'm in right now... my own Mom has been here.  My Mother in Law suffered a miscarriage (if not two).  I don't call it a coincidence that God gave me parents and in-laws who both have gone through at least a portion of what Mike and I are walking through now.  I call it a blessing. They "get" the emotions.  They "get" that sometimes we REALLY don't want to talk about it.  They "get" that sometimes it's ALL we (I) want to talk about.

So why do people struggling with infertility suffer in silence?  Well, it's really a quite personal matter. I mean, think about it.  Not only that, but it's just something you don't really know WHO to speak to about it.  It's only when you accidentally discover someone else is going through the same thing that you are able to start talking about it.  I pray that through this blog, those of us who have suffered in full or partial silence can find our voice and be okay with sharing our journey.  At least with each other.  Those of you who have shared with me, though I may not have responded just yet, have encouraged me.  Just to know you've been there.  It's encouraging.